Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national
ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.
Email address is
sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"
Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This
will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time"
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your
All-Meat Special pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate
that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high
cholesterol.
Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy
choice."
Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll
like it."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones,
then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four
kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is
$49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.
Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's
overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash
ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45
minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up
while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so
your car got repo'ed. But your Harley is paid for and you just
filled the tank yesterday"
Customer: "Well I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already
got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one
I see here on September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at
a judge."
"Oh yes I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the
State Correctional Facility." Is this your first pizza since your
return to society?
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents
us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution
prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!"
then: 
