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The truth about Chuck Norris
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Author:  Daddy [ Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:08 am ]
Post subject:  The truth about Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' tears would cure cancer. Too bad he's never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck
Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in
the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke
the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while
she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck,
to remind the crew once more that the Chuck giveth, and the Chuck, he
taketh away.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
Wednesday of the month.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU
RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
@..%$ with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony
of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds
of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat
that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, for his pleasure.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck
roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then
proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more
pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris.
Author:  Lancer033 [ Wed Dec 07, 2005 12:54 pm ]
Post subject: 
don't forget Vin and Mr T
http://www.4q.cc/t/index.php?topthirty

http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php?topthirty
When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. "He said doin the nasty" you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the "He said doin the nasty" down.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's "He said POOP".

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Author:  Garry [ Wed Dec 07, 2005 1:14 pm ]
Post subject: 
:wtf:
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