F-Body Europe

The LARK Program

A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the
treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached
is a copy of a letter they received back:

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment
of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters
seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in
Washington.

You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens
like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining
Program, to be called the "Liberals accept Responsibility for
Killers" program, or LARK for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have
decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your
personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali
Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of admonishment.

It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so
strongly recommended in your letter.

Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest
serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and
forks. Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat
with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging
his bowels (which he will do in your yard) - but look on the bright
side.. no increase in the toilet paper bill.

He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming
that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should
help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad
case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied.

Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's
cage: "Does not play well with others." Although Ahmed is
sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to
what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him
overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back
negative so not to worry.

We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to
demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items
locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons;
have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran.

Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats
and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they
aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our
job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a
good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of
federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place
of business soon, just to help you do your job better.

Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business,
seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the
4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your
profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing
everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?

Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued
member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and
remember...we'll be watching.

Cordially,

Your Buddy, Dubbya

That was good.. Long, but good! Nice find Garry.

got it off another fbody board ...

Rather lame and just (a little) say prejudiced in my eyes.

Just my opinion, i am kinda liberal.

R@M

I don't like it when people, who probably know nothing about the matter at hand, try to tell you how to do your job...

Still we do all value freedom of speech, right?

Yes! And that is good...

That was a good letter. Although, I would like to have seen what the concerned citizen wrote first to set "Dubbya" off. He must have had a bad day with 'Ahmad.'